My problem with “Good men exist”

You may have seen this thing going around on social media with two side-by-side pictures of Pierce Brosnan and his wife Keely. The first picture shows the couple early in their relationship and the second one is of the couple recently, about 20 years after the first picture was taken. Keely is the main focal point in these pictures, mainly because the recent picture shows her having gained weight. Apparently Brosnan was asked about it in an interview and he had said something along the lines of ‘she is the love of my life and I see her as beautiful inside and out and yada yada yada’.

Now, don’t get me started on why a reporter would even ask about someone’s wife’s weight in the first place. What does that have to do with anything? Why should that even be discussed? Never mind all of that. My biggest issue with this is that people, mostly men, have started posting this and commenting “See? Good men exist.” This morning I saw this on LinkedIn, posted but a professional gentleman leading a company. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Good men exist because some man stood by his wife, in spite of the fact that she gained weight? Good men exist because a man graciously stuck around even after his wife’s body changed after 20 years of marriage? Good men exist because some guy didn’t leave his wife for a thinner woman? Good men exist because this man still loves his wife even though she doesn’t look and weigh the same after having had 5 children with him? Thank goodness for good men. What would we do without them?

Now I know some of these people post these with good intent. Some people may even be confused by my outburst and not know what the problem is. So let’s do a little experiment.

Imagine the same scenario but reverse the genders. This time the man has gained weight after 20 years of marriage. Would you applaud the woman for staying with their now overweight husband? Would you hale them a hero for not leaving and marrying a thinner man? Would you post side-by-side pictures of them on social media and ask about it in interviews? Would you say things like “Good women exist”?

No you wouldn’t. And that is the problem. A man’s weight or body is never the subject of discussion and public scrutiny. A man’s appearance is not a good enough reason for a woman to stop loving him or leave him. If a man stays with a woman who is not as young or as thin or as sexy or as whatever, he is a hero. But we don’t even notice a man not being as anything as they were 20 years earlier.

This is my issue. Why is Keely’s weight even a subject of conversation in these pictures? Why did we ask Brosnan about it and why didn’t he respond “Fuck off! My wife’s weight is none of your business.” Why did he have to justify his wife’s weight and their “still there” love for her? Why are other men applauding him for doing absolutely nothing worth applauding for?

This my friends, is patriarchy. This is what is wrong with us. This double standard for how we look, how we dress, how we talk, how much we work, and how much we get paid. If you didn’t know, now you know. This is a small, but clear example of patriarchy. Look for it and you will find it everywhere, in your workplace, your home, and your children’s school.

Please stop supporting it and spreading it. Stop applauding double standards. If you are unsure, ask yourself if it would be the same if gender roles were reversed. If not, then pause and rethink. There is a good chance that patriarchy is at play.

Thanks for reading.

The anxious introvert

P.S. I have no issues with Pierce Brosnan and how good of a husband or man he is. He can be an angel, it doesn’t matter. This is not about him or Keely. This is a systemic issue.

P.P.S. I am not including the pictures here because I don’t want to spread the same BS that I am talking about here.